append YT and misc projects

yt/musings on sexuality.md

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+[critique bit]
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+## And that's about it for this one. I split it due to not wanting my thoughts to be all over the place, but then again, this is me we're talking about. Again, I'm streaming on Twitch every so often and enjoying my time there. Got several projects on the way, so long as I can get these off my plate as well. Farewell, and take it easy.
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+## **I see it prudent now, to share an anecdote.**
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+/* When I was about 16, I was on the swim team, and I was never comfortable with changing with the rest of the boys in the tiny cramped locker room. I was harassed by at least one of my peers, and derogatorily called gay for always changing in the stall and taking a long time. But I wasn't in the stall because I was gay or bi, I was in the stall because I was autistic. I couldn't reconcile the fact that we wear clothing all the time for privacy's sake, but for some reason when it was time to change, everybody could strip totally naked in each other's presence. I hadn't exactly rationalized it then, but I think the subconscious thought in my mind was, there's a reason we have clothes on, and it's to keep the private parts of our bodies private. What about keeping those parts private changed, when we were in a boys-only locker room? If we can go naked in the locker room, why don't we go naked outside it, and why do we have laws that criminalize such exposure? I thought none of it was okay, and I wasn't comfortable with showing mine, and much of that was because very few of the older, more popular, socialized people on that "team" were ever very kind to me. Whenever I would talk to them, they'd look at me like I was from another planet. Which is true, but that didn't make it right. If I don't even feel comfortable talking to you, what makes you think I'd ever feel comfortable getting *naked* in front of you? And the constant harassment and complaints from the juniors and seniors only furthered this divide. Sure, I could have taken less time. But they should have been kinder, not just because it was the right thing to do, but because common ground helps resolve disputes and you're being a dumbass if you think being forceful in directing your anger towards somebody at their behavior is *ever* going to fix their behavior. I wish I could have been more social. But I was in the process of reverse-engineering the intricacies of social interaction with a lot on my plate for a teenager, given my extracurriculars and AP and concurrent enrollment and all. But none of that had to do with sexuality. So it would be disrespectful to and exploitative of myself to define myself that way.*/
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+## Especially given that my sexuality is exploitative of myself, which is true of any male with a high libido.
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+## We are slaves to our inhibititions, because consciousness exists as the convergence of multiple different systems, and they're constantly at war with each other. The limbic system, otherwise known as the paleomammalian system, is one of the most ancient collection of circuits in the human brain. Part of this system is the hypothalamus, which connects the nervous system to the endocrine system. It's outside of the control of consciousness; humans can't tell the body to stop sending signals to maintain homeostasis. The body doesn't trust consciousness with that. So that same circuit that induces hominids to seek shelter when cold, is the same one that makes them seek a mate when the body says it's time to do so. You don't control it. It controls you. And it can be hijacked by a great manner of things. Sexuality, for example, has been scientifically proven to be remarkably fluid depending on the surrounding culture. This is why LGBTQAF has shown substantially increased numbers in the youngest generations. If your brain is wired, whether it be by nature or nurture, to associate your sex drive with certain things, you can't control that. What you can control is what to do about it, which is the purpose of consciousness. Your job, as the conscious being at the locus of those converging systems, is not to tyrannize the lower systems. It's to accept that they demand something of you, and assess whether that demand is maximally beneficial for you as a whole. So the limbic system demands sexual satisfcation, and does so in different ways and at varying intensities in different people. If your conceptual schema is that the system is always wrong, you're going to be very unhappy, because now you have an entire system at war with your schema, but if the schema falls, your consciousness will devolve into chaos. This is why some males with homosexual feelings, such as myself, fall into self-destructive behavior when grappling with them. Our schema says it is wrong, but the limbic system won't shut up because you cannot dictate its function. So that internal war must not be allowed to have either side prevail. If the limbic system wins, then you're left without a schema, and a new schema is built to enslave you to your sexual desires. If the schema wins, the limbic system will torture you constantly and you will crumble under the weight of said desires. The limbic system can't be wrong, in the sense that it exists to make desires known to the consciousness, so that they may be satiated. But it can be wrong, in the sense that those desires can be satiated via methods that are not maximally beneficial to you, because said methods do not allow you to play the game of life in a way that is best for you, that is also best for your inner circle of friends and family, that is best for your community, that is best for your principality, state, and the world at large. You can say that the entire hierarchy is completely wrong, good luck to you trying to destroy the most advanced collective schema ever known to be created in the history of biology and the *universe*. Good luck trying to supplant that with a schema you cobbled together last week. It's tough enough to be at war with your own internal systems. It's damn near impossible to win, so you have no chance in hell going to war with someone else's schema, let alone all of humanity.
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+## My proposed alternative is this: you could figure out what way you can ensure that the hypothalamus is satiated, in a way that is maximally beneficial for you, without subjugating the entire rest of existence to your physiological or emotional needs, no matter where they truly come from, and no matter what you believe. We can now have a conceptual schema that incorporates the concerns of the hypothalamus, or at least doesn't sideline every concern that it brings to the table. But that schema must be constructed with the concerns of other consciousnesses in mind. That way, you have no need to go to war with yourself, neither with anybody else. But to get there, it's required that you consider the perspective of other consciousnesses and have civil discussions in a way where information can be exchanged without devolving into War, in any way.
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+## Personally, my conceptual schema has never been tolerant of my lower systems attempting to determine my behavior. It's caused me a great deal of distress, especially given the fact that the hypothalamus is truly in control. It causes you to do things that you wouldn't do in your right mind, things you tend to regret afterwards. The guilt can be debilitating. But it's part of life, so the best way to go forward is to mitigate those forces as much as possible, and to only embrace them when you know you can afford to, and that's when there are minimal outsized consequences to your behavior. And not a moment earlier. It's a mistake to embrace your inhibitions when you have no idea where they're going or why they're there. And it's tyranny to demand that others praise you for embracing them, especially when they serve only yourself. We are all responsible for our mental state, and if we make ourselves dependent on the praise of others, we will inevitably be disappointed and miserable. Even if the rebukes of others aren't just or fair, we have the responsibility to recognize their right to speak in that way. It serves us best in the long run, to get the sympathy we need from ones who love and understand us, and to expect no sympathy from those who may not.
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+## In conclusion, my sexuality does not define me. It may constrain my behavior somewhat, but only in ways that matter to me and my significant other. My autism defines me in ways that are far more pronounced, in that the constraints on my behavior are omnipresent and somewhat obvious to anyone who's ever socialized before. I'm me because I'm me, and I will not take pride in anything that doesn't define me. I'll take pride only on what I have made the efforts to control, to bring about the best state of being I can muster. I'll take pride in who I decided to be, so long as that's someone worth being prideful of. Perhaps I'm not yet entirely proud of who I am. Perhaps I never should be, if my only desire is Improvement & Progression ad Infinitum.
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+## And that's what I wish for you, dear viewer. May you have Improvement & Progression, ad Infinitum. God be with you 'til we meet again.